You are as God made you

       This Sunday, September 5, 2010 marks the beginning of National Suicide Prevention Week.  Before you even get into reading this post, I would like you to click on the video below.  If you are having thoughts of suicide you need to talk to someone.  This video is from The Trevor Project, a suicide hotline for LGBTQ youth who need to talk to someone.  So, before you read further, if you need to talk to someone, go to the website www.thetrevorproject.org now and get help; also, on the right of this screen are additional websites that can help you.  Remember, you are as God made you.  There is nothing wrong with you.  There are millions more like you in this country and around the world.  You do not have to stand alone anymore. Thank you for listening and I pray that you get help if you need it.    

     A long time ago I was married to a very handsome, wonderful man who I adored and loved very much.  After a few years, he committed suicide while I was at home, in the other room.  This is all I will say at this time about this horrific event as it is too painful to recount now.  I will eventually share it with you all.  I can talk about suicide today as I have lived through it as a “left-over.”  Today I am going to talk about our precious youth in this country.  If you think you had a hard time growing up, try growing up gay.  It has long been a concern of mine that the gay youth of our country are killing themselves at astonishing rates; in fact, children who aren’t even gay are hanging themselves in their closets because they were taunted and “gay-baited” at school.  I can’t imagine a little twelve-year-old mind going through such pain and torture that they had to take their own life to achieve relief from the pain inflicted on them by other children at school, can you?

     I have always said that I knew that I was “different” for as long as I could remember.  I’m talking about clear back to five years old.  I didn’t know how I was “different” until I was seventeen.  According to the Journal of School Health (September 1992) “Gay male adolescents report becoming aware of a distinct feeling of ‘being different’ between ages 5 and 7.”  They also report that they did not yet connect this feeling to the issue of sexuality.  When I came across this fact, I sat back in my chair and just stared at the computer screen.  This validated what I and others like me have been saying our entire lives.  I have been blessed with a very understanding family on my father’s side.  They told me that they knew I was gay from the time I was just a little kid, but it did not matter one bit to them.  Not everyone is so lucky as to have a family that accepts you for whom you are. 

     I have also said my entire life that I was born gay, as do most of the gay community.  Those that think they can be ”cured” and go along with the charade that they are “straight” are simply suppressing natural and healthy feelings inside of themselves thereby denying themselves of a lifetime lived as whom they really, truly are.  How happy can you be living a lie?  According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, “Sexual orientation probably is not determined by any one factor but by a combination of genetic, hormonal and environmental influences.  In recent decades, biologically based theories have been favored by experts.” This is as close as we have come to proof of what we know; we are born this way and science will someday prove it with cold, hard genetic facts.  But, until that day comes we need to be good role models for the youth in our community.  They need to see that we are everywhere and that they do have a future without pain, torment and suffering at the hands of others. 

     Ninety-seven percent of students hear anti-gay comments at school. (1)  I remember well  the names I was called starting when I was only five years old: fag, queer, fairy, you know the rest.  It is this constant, never-ending, continual, bullying and taunting day after day that leads young gay and lesbian youth to start thinking about suicide. The adults in schools aren’t much better than the students at stopping this bullying.  Fifty-three percent of students report hearing homophobic comments made by school staff (2) and over eighty-one percent of youth reported that faculty or staff either never or rarely intervened when homophobic remarks were made at school. (3)  So, we send our most precious treasure off to school for the day and this is how the adults handle these situations?  This is nothing less than shameful on their part.  In my opinion, calling someone ”gay” or “fag” is tolerated, if not accepted, by some parents today.  If little Johnny said the N-word, all hell would break loose, as it should.  But I have heard many a child say, “Dude, that’s so gay,” and the parents say nothing at all.  It is NOT okay to say this.  When LGBTQ youth were asked if that phrase bothered them or distressed them, the majority of them said, “Yes.” (4)  This is just as bad as the N-word to a gay or lesbian person.  We don’t like it.  Please stop saying it, now.  These hateful, spiteful words just contribute more and more to a child’s already low self-esteem and sense of self.  The youngest children don’t even know what they are really saying, but if mom and dad say it, it can’t be that bad, right?

     In a nationwide survey, children said they feared anti-gay harassment more than any other kind of name-calling. (5)  In addition, for every gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender student who reported being harassed, four straight students said they were harassed for being perceived as gay or lesbian. (6)  There are children out there missing school and cutting class because they are taunted for being gay or lesbian whether they are or not.  This problem is not proprietary to just the gay and lesbian youth.  Straight youth are five times more likely to attempt suicide if they are harassed because someone thinks they are gay. (7)  You can see that this problem is killing our children.  Yes, to be exact they are killing themselves, but aren’t we all responsible for one another on this planet?  How can someone just stand by and listen to this shit coming out of kids’ and adults’ mouths?  Are they too afraid to intervene?  Is it a case of, “Not my problem,” or “What can I do?”  Well, here’s another little fact for you:  studies show that when bullying occurs there were frequently bystanders but they did not intervene.  When other students did intervene they were usually able to stop the  bullying. (8)   You’ll notice that it was the students who stepped in, not the adults.  This is not some little phase that children go through.  It is the responsibility of the adults around them to teach them what is acceptable behaviour. 

     All of this leads to a precious child taking his or her own life.  It is that simple.  Any child killing themselves is horrific and unimaginable, but thirty-three percent of all teen suicides are from the gay and lesbian community (9) and gay, lesbian and bisexual high school students were more than four times more likely to have attempted suicide in the previous year than their straight school mates. (10)   Why are these facts relevant?  The constant bullying, name calling and beatings are some of the reasons why gay and lesbian youth take their own lives every day.   It doesn’t stop at the mouth.  Twenty seven percent of gay youth have been physically hurt by another student (11) and one out of six gay teens has been beaten so badly that they require medical attention. (12)  Even more disturbing is that eleven percent of gay and lesbian youth report being physically attacked by family members. (13)  I don’t mean to bog you down with facts, but facts are facts and not subject to one’s own interpretation.  Is it any wonder that these children even make it through the day without trying to kill themselves?   

     This is just a sample of the multitude of facts that I came across while researching this blog post.  There are much, much more and some of them are even more disturbing than the one’s I have talked about.  I sit here typing while my mind flashes back to high school.  I was taunted and teased until I graduated from high school.  Can you imagine being called a “fag” when you are five years old and having no idea what it even meant?  Now imagine that continuing for thirteen more years, day in and day out, non-stop, all the freakin’ time at a private Baptist school.  It was almost unbearable, but I made it by the grace of God.  For me, it helped to build my character and made me the tolerant, loving and caring person that I am told I am today by my friends and family.  As I said earlier, I was lucky.  There are children out there, right now, thinking about taking their own lives and some of them will probably succeed, God forbid, because they think they are alone. 

     Today, there are positive gay and lesbian role models everywhere which is a good thing for young gay and lesbians to see.  The closest thing I remember to a role model was Billy Crystal on “Soap” and Elton John, and even he didn’t admit it then.  Look around you.  We are everywhere and we are not going to go away.  We have a gay television channel (LOGO), gay websites, gay neighborhoods, gay television news anchors, out and proud political leaders and LGBTQ organizations flood the internet machine.  It’s been a long time since Harvey Milk, God rest his soul, stood up and told the gay community across the country to come out of the closet and be who you are and that there is nothing wrong with the way God made you.  He was so right.  This is all so important because today’s gay and lesbian youth need to see these role models so that they know they are not “different” but that they are just right.  They need the adults of the world to stand up and say, “We’re not going to let our children kill themselves over ignorance and fear.   Our children will not go quietly into the night because we do love them for who they are.”  They are your children and they need you to love them just for that reason alone.

     For the young gay man out there struggling with suicidal thoughts, to the young lesbian being bullied at school, to the parents burying their straight dead child because he took his own life because he was called “queer” one time too many times, I say to you there is hope.  Without hope we have nothing.  The world has changed drastically with respect to LGBTQ rights and equality.  Sure, we are still fighting for our rights, but the distance we have come could have never happened when I was a child.  Yes, there are still hate-filled people in the world who would rather watch us rot than treat us with dignity and respect but when children are taking their own lives it is time to stop the hate.  I was never blessed with children, so I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose one.  I don’t want to imagine what it would be like.  No one should lose a child to ignorance and fear. 

     If you know a young gay or lesbian teen, I implore you to talk to them about their lives and how you can help them, if need be.  No, it won’t be an easy discussion but it is a necessary one.  And for everyone with children, it is time to stop and listen to what they are saying and doing at home and at school.  It is time to intervene because it’s the moral thing to do.  For the adults that work at schools and wherever teens are present, it is time to stand up and stop their hateful speech.  They are children and they need to be taught what is acceptable and what is not, regardless of your personal views, if not to save the life of another parent’s child.

     Again, if you are reading this and you are having suicidal thoughts or know a teen who might, make the phone call.  There is help out there for you.  Remember, there is nothing wrong with you.  You are just the way you are supposed to be.  You are exactly as God made you and may he take away the pain so that you can grow and become proud, strong and loved.  Suicide is not the answer, take it from someone who spent ten years medicating himself to forget the sight of his dead husband’s smashed skull on the sidewalk.  You may take away your pain, but you are leaving behind people in pain who do love you.  They will spend the rest of their lives wondering if they said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing or didn’t catch the subtle clues you might have given now and then.   You don’t just take your life, you take away their chance at life as well. 

justonemanwithaids

Acknowledgements:

1.  Breaking the Silence for Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual Youth      (1996)                                                                       
2.  GLSEN’s website, National School Climate Survey                                                                                              
3.  Ibid                                                                                                                                                                              
4.  Ibid                                                                                                                                                                 
5. American Association of University Women, “Hostile Hallways:  Survey on Sexual Harassment in the  Schools,” 1993                                                                                                                                                          
6. Beth Reis & Elizabeth Saewyc, Safe Schools Coalition of Washington, “83,000 Youth:  Selected Findings of Eight Population-Based Studies,” 1999                                                                                                            
7. Ibid                                                                                                                                                                              
8. Joseph A. Dake, James H. Price & Susan K. Telljohann, “The Nature and Extent of Bullying at School,” Journal of School Health, May 2003                                            
9. The Homosexuality Factor in the Youth Suicide Problem, Pierre J. Tremblay (1995)                             
10. Carol Goodenow, “Massachusetts High School Students and Sexual Orientation: Results of the 2005 Youth Risk Behavior Survey,” Massachusetts Department of Education, (2006)                                                 
11. Anthony D’Augelli, unpublished study (1997)                                                                                                   
12. Center for Disease Control                                                              
13. GLSEN’s website, National School Climate Survey